The Story of Troy

I know it's been a while...

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 17:55:46 GMT

Each and every day

I try so hard

But the more I try

I draw the wrong card

At one point

My life was grand

Now all I want to do

Is bury my head in sand

What more can I do

To make it all seem right

I find myself again and again

Losing this fight

I have so much love

Pouring from my heart

I try to express it

But I don't know where to start

Life at times

Makes no sense at all

I climb and climb

But I always fall

I see now

I'm at the end of my rope

I'm so afraid of losing

Of losing all hope

I know he loves me

I know it, I really do

His love is amazing

So honest and true

With him I feel so safe

And this may be a shock

But he is a great man

He is my rock

But lately now

The road is tough

I almost feel

That I've had enough

I have a home

Even when things are dim

I'll always have a home

As long as I'm with him

I must find a way

To rise out of this pit

I'm so sick and tired

Of feeling like shit

I'm not always right

In fact sometimes I'm wrong

But one thing for sure

I know that I'm strong

I will NOT let this sadness

Get the best of me

I will rise up

And I will break free

With Jem at my side

I can go anywhere

There's so much life to live

And it's with him I want to share

I was once lost in the dark

Until he came along

He inspired me again

Made my heart burst into song

But times are tough

And situations grim

But I know I'll be fine

As long as I'm with Jem

For those who expected me to fail...

Fri, 18 May 2007 04:32:08 GMT

How can I ever impress you
To be who you want you to be
You tell me all the time
To just simply be me

I tried doing that
And of course you didn't care
All you really did
Was sit down and glare

So what is it
That you want me to do
I've done all you ask
I've tried through and through

So now I finally give up
I won't try anymore
You opinion means nothing
I don't care that's for sure

So back away from me
And don't give me your advice
I don't want it anymore
My own opinions will suffice

I think what really happened
Was that I changed for the good
And it wasn't the person you wanted
The person you thought I should

And that's what pisses you off
You thought I couldn't be
You thought that I'd fail
Now you see the real me

You asked for it
So here I am
It looks like to me
That it is you who are the sham

So go fuck yourself
And the horse you rode in on
Get out of my face
Go now...begone!

Don't Cry Out...

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 00:27:09 GMT

I don't get you . .
I can't forget what you've forgotten
all along
I've never been so alone

Don't Cry Out
Cease Fire

I was pretending
Your secret kiss of confidence
Was my escape
The perfect game to play...

Don't Cry Out
Cease Fire

Ten nine eight and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play
Seven six five four and I'm all over you
Counting three two one and I'm having fun...

Your fascination
With naked walls of silk and skin
With no conditions
I needed you to notice....
That’s all I wanted

Don't Cry Out
Cease Fire

Ten nine eight and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play
Seven six five four and I'm all over you
Counting three two one and I'm having fun

Finally a good survey! Stole this from Keith by the way!

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 12:54:49 GMT

LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
Ordinary People (2006)

LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
Ordinary People (2006)

DID YOU GET IT:
Yes

LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
"Come With Me" from Dance of the Vampires

FAVORITE THEATRE (VENUE):
Biloxi Little Theatre
However I do love New Stage in Jackson, just never been on that stage.

FAVORITE MUSICAL:
Silver Scream

FAVORITE PLAY:
The Curious Savage or The Miss Firecracker Contest (It's a tie)

FAVORITE ROLE YOU'VE PLAYED, AND FROM WHAT SHOW?
Delmount Williams in The Miss Firecracker Contest

FAVORITE ROLE OVERALL THAT I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY:
Renfield in Dracula

SUPERSTITION:
One Hail Mary right before I step onstage, Stackers, and at one time..."Long live the Huffing Stick!"

LAST PART YOU PLAYED IN A SHOW:
Dr. Daniel Berger in Ordinary People

YOUR GOAL IN SHOW BUSINESS:
I have no clue yet.

FAVORITE DIRECTORS:
Judy Madden & Lara Hall

WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW?:
The Scottish Play

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?:
Yes in Grease back in High School

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?
Yes

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
Yes

NAME A SHOW YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN TWO TIMES:
Haven't done it yet

HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?
Nope

HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?:
Yes

WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?:
Singing or dancing for a musical audition.

WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?:
The audition itself!

NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
The Capricious Pearls

NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
The Curious Savage, that was the best cast ever!!!

NAME A PERSON YOU'D LIKE TO WORK WITH AGAIN:
Keith or Joey

WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
The Battle of Shallowford

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PERFORMING?:
Most of my life, at BLT only four years.

DO YOU CARRY YOUR HEADSHOTS AROUND WITH YOU?
No.

DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?:
As much as I can thanks to LJ and MySpace.

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?:
7

WHAT IS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE?:
Delmount Williams in The Miss Firecracker Contest

SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?:
During Firecracker, Kelly and I had a scene together and the phone was supposed to ring. Well, whoever was in the booth, and their names escape me (LARA AND JOEY!!!) were talking and forgot to press the button, however, Kelly and I kept the scene going.

WHO IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON (ON STAGE OR OFF) THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH?:
I'll take the fifth

EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?:
Nope, been naked backstage though!

WHO OR WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST INSPIRATION OR INFLUENCE?:
Sean Maurer, Judy Madden, Lara Hall, Joey Beaugez, Joel Germany, and Keith Gregory

BEST PROFESSIONAL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN:
The Phantom of the Opera

BEST COLLEGE SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN:
Cabaret at USA

BEST COMMUNITY SHOW(S):
Hedwig and the Angry Inch, The Complete History of America (Abridged), and Moon Over Buffalo

BEST HIGH SCHOOL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN
I haven't really seen any...

ONSTAGE, HAVE YOU EVER...

BEEN KILLED?:
Yep

BEEN DRUNK?:
Nope, well sorta.

PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?:
No

PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?:
Yes! Numerous times!

CRIED?:
Yes

FIRED A GUN?
No

DRIVEN A CAR?:
No

BEEN DRENCHED?:
Does sweat count?

BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?:
No

BEEN KISSED?:
No

Sleechah...

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 09:57:10 GMT

Je suis desolée

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone. First year I spent the holiday without my father. I made me sad of course. I suppose that is how life goes.

Lo siento

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I know many of you have warned me about thinking. When I start thinking, things begin to happen. Thoughts enter my mind that have never entered there before. All sorts of thoughts really. They're all so different and unique.

Ik ben droevig

Lately my mind has been on love. I've been trying to understand love. What it is. Where it come from. How it is to be truly expressed. I ask myself, "Can love be expressed in words?" or is love expressed in some other way. Does real love even exisit? I mean, you tell someone you love them, and you think you mean it. Someone tells you that they love you and you believe it. But is it real? Can it truly exist between two human beings?

Sono spiacente

Oh Troy, stop thinking these thoughts. You can think them all you want and eventually you'll drive yourself insane. Why ask questions that have no answers. I guess because I think somewhere out there is the answer I'm looking for. But then again, I may never find the answer.

Perdóname

I look at all the relationships I've seen in my life. Jeremy and Brittany, almost five years. Over. Mom and Dad, twenty-three years. Over. Jem and me, nine months. Over. Seems so petty compared to the others doesn't it? Life never really turns out how you want it to. It just goes by being a bitch and you can only ask why.

Mujhe maaf karo

I guess it is my lot in life to ask questions. To sit and wonder. To ask the questions that have no answers. To stare up into the sky at night and wonder which star is which. To try to figure out which star is mine and if it is up there, does it have a mate? Will I ever find that other half. That special someone to complete me. Will I ever be whole again? I guess I won't know that until it happens. I thought that it had happened. I guess I was wrong...

Przepraszam

Another day...a new day...

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 20:32:43 GMT

A new day in my life people. I'm feeling so much better after finally calling it quits on what I hoped to be a successful relationship. As a friend said, "It just wasn't meant to be."

I can live with that. Gotta give some thanks to my Judy and my mom for stickin by me through it.

Gonna go see some Hedwig tonight and some old friends! Definately lookin forward to that!

I think I'm now on the road to recovery. Hedwig got me through my last two break ups, and I know it will again. Lookin forward to seeing Phase III, with new cast members. But going into the show with the attitude I always do, I'm going to be satisfied at the end of the night. Lara's vision! Brilliant!

Well, I'm back people, from the dead...no I'm not kidding, literally I'm back from the dead!!!

Ta! Hope to see you at the show!

For Jem

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 01:43:56 GMT

Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for hearing me

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

Thank you for seeing me
Thank you for seeing me
Thank you for seeing me
Thank you for seeing me

And for not leaving me
And for not leaving me
And for not leaving me
And for not leaving me

Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for staying with me

Thanks for not hurting me
Thanks for not hurting me
Thanks for not hurting me
Thanks for not hurting me

You are gentle with me
You are gentle with me
You are gentle with me
You are gentle with me

Thanks for silence with me
Thanks for silence with me
Thanks for silence with me
Thanks for silence with me

Thank you for holding me
And saying "I could be"
Thank you for saying "Baby"
Thank you for holding me

Thank you for helping me
Thank you for helping me
Thank you for helping me
Thank you, thank you for helping me

Thank you for breaking my heart
Thank you for tearing me apart
Now I've a strong, strong heart
Thank you for breaking my heart

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 04:35:38 GMT

I don't know why but I've been on a Johnny Cash kick today. I watched Walk The Line and was in awe at the performances. Then I started downloading Cash songs. Ring of Fire, Hurt, Girl From North Country, all of them.

Dunno why? I'm just a little depressed today. Not crying and sad sad. Just a little down. And right now his music is speaking to me.

"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real"

That song is making the most sense to me. It really reaches deep inside and draws out the darkness. And it's good for the darkness to come out occasionally. I can purge it that way. I don't cry much anymore, but I do get depressed.

Things are getting better though. I have Hedwig to look forward to. Me and Mom are getting along great, so great it's scary. I'm still in touch with Jem and he still tells me he loves me. My mentor Sam has really been there for me. I've been in contact with my old friend Daniel Todd, and we talk daily. Of course I have my Judy, the special lady who I hold dear.

"what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end"

I guess we all deal with our demons in our own way. I guess this is how I'm dealing with mine. I'm becoming closer to my cousins Benji and Jeremy. Jeremy has been going through some things and was recently in an accident. He's ok though. I try not to post too much family business on here. Benji and Jeremy were always like brothers to me. They always looked out for me. I miss them very much.

"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair"

I've been told by too many people that I'm a strong person. Despite my fragile outward appearance, I am inside a strong human being, and this too shall pass.

I have my goal set. And he knows I will do everything in my power to show him how much I love him. This too shall pass. I will get through this....

Oh, the man knew his shit...

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 01:48:54 GMT

Love Is A Burning Thing
And It Makes A Fiery Ring
Bound By Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Ring Of Fire

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Hearts Like Ours Meet
I Fell For You Like A Child
Oh, But The Fire Went Wild

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher

And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire

And It Burns, Burns, Burns

The Ring Of Fire

The Ring Of Fire

Two lovers sat on a park bench...

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 05:51:09 GMT

Two lovers sat on a park bench

With their bodies touching each other

Holding hands in the moonlight

There was silence between them

So profound was their love for each other

They needed no words to express it

And so they sat in silence on a park bench

With their bodies touching

In the moon light

Finally one spoke spoke

"Do you love me Troy?" he asked

"You know I love you Darling"

"I love you more than time can tell"

"You are the light of my life"

"My sun, moon, and stars"

"You are my everything"

"Without you I have no reason for being"

Again there was silence as they sat on a park bench

Their bodies touching

Holding hands in the moonlight

Once more he spoke

"How much do you love me Troy?"

He answered, "How much do I love you?"

"Count the stars in the sky"

"Measure the waters of the ocean with a teaspoon"

"Number the grains of sand on the shore"

"Impossible you say?"

I'm sorry

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 23:09:52 GMT

In response to my most recent post. I'm sorry. I was having a horrible day. I'm out of my meds and the shit was hitting the fan. I am still pissed though that people underestimate me.

To whom it may concern...

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 16:04:51 GMT

I'm going to say this once and only once. I'm not a kid. I'm not as naive as people make me out to be. I'm sick and tired of being patronized. I'm sick and tired of being underestimated. I'm Troy Knowles. I'm a talented actor and singer. I also happen to be a fucking genius. Or at least last time I checked an IQ of 185 meant genius.

I've survived a hurricane, a divorce, diabetes, cancer, a break up that caused me to try to kill myself twice. If people can't handle who I am them fuck them. Because if people can't handle me then I don't need them. This is who I am. Like it or lump it.

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 12:25:44 GMT

I think it's finally time to accept what's going on with me. My official diagnosis is Histrionic Personality Disorder. Look it up and it'll describe me perfectly.

I also know why I've been crying so much the past few days. I'm letting go and I'm moving on. My heart just hasn't been wanting to.

I may be on the road to recovery. 49 days clean. Clean from Drugs and clean from Jem.

I hope I can make it.

Ta....

Nice survey...

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 07:02:01 GMT

Name:	Troy
Tattoos:	None Yet
Peircings:	My left ear
Height:	5'11
Weight( come on be honest!)	169
Shoe Size:	12 on the left foot, 13 on the right
Hair Color:	Brown
Siblings:	Only Child
*//last..\\*
Movie you rented:	I can't remember...
Movie you last bought:	I can't remember...
CD you burned:	Some CD for one of the drug dealers in my neighborhood
Song you listened to:	Free by Sarah Brightman
Thing you bought:	I don't remember, a pack of cigarettes?
*//Questions..\\*
Do you have a crush on somebody?	I did at one time...
Do you wish you could live somewhere else?	Oh god yes...
Ever thought about suicide?	Yes, even attempted it twice in the last two months
Do others find you attractive?	I suppose so
Do you want more peircings?	Yes
Do you like cleaning?	I loathe cleaning...
*//for or against..\\*
Long distance relationships:	I don't care
Suicide:	If it works for you...
Killing people:	Some people deserve to die...
Teenage smoking:	I smoke
Driving drunk:	Against
Gay/Lesbian relationships:	I'm gay...
Soap opras:	Some of them...
*//Have you...\\*
Ever cried over a girl/guy:	Yes, and I'm still crying over him...
Ever lied to someone.:	Yes, but to protect them...
Ever been in a fist fight:	Yes, I kicked his ass too...
Ever been arrested:	Yes
*//What...\\*
Shampoo do you use:	Some french shit...
Shoes you wear:	The cheap kind
Are you scared of:	Heartache, and being alone
*//Number...\\*
Of hearts you have broken:	None
Of people I could trust in my life:	Just 3
Of times my name has appeared on the news:	A couple of times...all good of course
Of scars on my body:	27
Of things I past regret:	September 6th 2005
*//Do you think you are...\\*
Pretty:	I guess
Funny:	Yeah, I'm all right
Hot:	Not so sure there
Friendly:	Very much so
Loveable:	Yes
Caring:	Yes
Dorky:	In my own cute way
*//favorite...\\*
4 letter word:	Fuck
Actor/Actress:	Johnny Depp/Katherine Hepburn
*//Person who last..\\*
Slept in your bed:	Me...by myself
Saw you cry:	Mom
Yelled at you:	Mom
Send you and email:	My uncle Kelly
*//Have you ever...\\*
Said "I love you":	Yes
Kept a secret from anyone:	Yes
Cried during a movie:	Yes
Planned your week based on TV Guide:	Once or twice
Wished you were the opposit sex:	No
Apples or bananas:	Bananas
blue or red:	Red
Walmart or target:	Wal-Mart
Spring or fall:	Fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this:	I don't know`
*//Last..\\*
Noise yur heard:	The clock in the living room ticking away the time...
smell you sniffed:	A cigarette
*//friendship/love...\\*
do you believe in love at first site:	Yes I do...even felt it once...
do you want children one day, & if how many:	Yes one day, don't know how many
Most important thing in a relationship is:	Trust
*//other info..\\*
Do you speak any other languages:	Yes
Last book you read:	Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
How old do you look:	23
How old do you act:	I dunno...
Pets:	Four cats, Claudia, Weebles, P.W., and Tar Baby
What makes you happy:	Love
*//Have you ever...\\*
Thought you were going to die:	Yes, and I did die...
Wanted to run away:	I still do
Ran away:	Once
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 09:59:48 GMT

Well folks, Biloxi Little Theatre is finally on MySpace. THe address is www.myspace.com/biloxilittletheatre. If you're not already a member please sign up. MySpace is the new way of connecting with actors just like us! So to those of you that have already signed up thanks a bunch! Tell all your friends and lets get that list up to 100 before the end of the month!

Thanks a bunch,

Troy

The show must go on...

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 06:17:46 GMT

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
Show must go on!
Show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

Show must go on!
Show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

Show must go on! Yeah!
Show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!

I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

Show must go on.

These lyrics make more sense now than ever before...

Babalu...

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 05:47:17 GMT

Sorry for not posting as often as I usually did. Just rarely find the time anymore so I'll get started with this one. I'll try to keep it short.

As most of you know, yesterday was indeed my 23rd Birthday. I was a little concerned about how it was going to go. I mean least year, I had a hurricane to deal with but my Judy and the cast of Huck Finn made it enjoyable. So this year, no boyfriend at my side, a mom who is well...trying to be a mom again, and completely separated from my people in Biloxi, I thought, how in the hell is this day going to be enjoyable. THEN, I checked my MySpace email. I was actually surprised at the amount of people who remembered my birthday. And not a single one of you have any idea how much it means to me that you rememered it. And...that you haven't forgotten about me. Even total stranger who I rarely correspond with on MySpace made it a point to send beautiful birthday greetings. I got a lovely song from Judy on my voicemail. My Angel of Music always manages to pull something off. The message from Lara was wonderful. Everyone one of you who posted comments, and have been posting comments since my "accident/ordeal" have not only been inspirational but it has really made me see that there are people out there who care about me. Jem called me to tell me that he missed me, and still loved me and wished me the happiest birthday. God, I don't think I'll ever stop loving that man. But the night went on and Jai, my mother, and myself, went downtown to an amature strip show. We all, including mom, seemed to have a wonderful time! And I have to admit, the four laps dances will great as well. Especially the Sailor and the one called Lover Boy! Someine tipped them off that I was a birthday boy and I couldn't avoid a lapdance from two such hot young men!

I think it's time I come clean with something. As most of you know, I had been off of cocaine since December 4th of last year. I was doing well, but things happened, began to fall in with the wrong crowd, and began to get hooked again on a vicious drug. Not coke this time but crack. And let me tell you, FAR MORE ADDICTIVE!!! STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THAT SHIT! Not only did it cause me to lose a lot of what I had, but it also caused me to have a complete and total nervous breakdown. On September 5th, I attempted suicide by trying to cut my wrists. It didn't work. So after being released from the hospital that day, I came home and ODed on my mom's blood pressure medicine. I don't remember the ambulance picking me up. But one thing I do remember is looking up at a doctor's face and her saying, "We're losing him...we're losing him..." I still see that every night as I close my eyes to go to sleep. The next thing I remember is not really seeing a tunnel of light, or seeing old dead loved once. But I began to feel that I was part of something. I felt connected to something. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear, but I could feel. And it was a completely emotial experience. The feeling was complete and utter bliss. A complete understanding of everything. The past, the present, and even a little bit of the future. Do I believe I had a NDE? Yes I do believe so. According to the doctor's I flatlined twice. Once for 1 minute and 10 seconds. The second time 1 minute and 4 seconds. BP medicine will do that do you they say. After my first reuscitation, I can clearly remember the same doctor, saying, "Troy are you wtih us?" Then it was a total black out again. And then I found myself part of that connection again. I felt connected with everything. Although I couldn't see them, or hear them audibly, I did feel their presense. It was like being part of a collective conconciousness, yet I remained my individality. I could feel familar entities. Certain people who I know knew me. And even one other who I never had the privelege of meeing due to her death before I was born. It was like being completely content. Complete bliss. Complete peace. And of course, the Doctors doing their job, revived me. Twice. Sometimes I think, what I'd give to go back to that place. However, in the past year, I've been through so much. Hurricane Katrina, but who the fuck wasn't affected by that, getting of drugs for the first time, my parent's divorce, all that shit. I should have died during the Hurricane but I didn't. I should have died of a cocaine overdose but I didn't. I should have died during my last suicide attempt, yet I didn't. Each time I was in that place, as much as I wanted to say, I knew I couldn't. There was so much more here on Earth and in life that I needed to do. But I want to thank everyone who has stood by me through this. Every single one of you are so beautiful and mean so much to me! Be assured of one thing though, Jem was not the reason I tried to off myself. I want no one to assume that at all. There was so much more hehind it all that I'd rather not fully discuss here. But I just want to thank each and everyone of you for being there. My wonderful friends and guardian angels that I know are looking over me always...and there's one angel out there right now I want to say simply this too, even though you're not here physically, you remain in my heart. And my love for you will never die...

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 07:12:22 GMT

Well another day has gone by, and again, I'm feeling somewhat alive again.

Jem and I are getting ready for DragonCon with Kytten and Mark. We've been spending a lot of time with them lately and I have to say, Great People!

I really don't have a whole lot to write about except maybe that Jem and I are hitting 9 months soon and I must say it's been a wild ride.

I love my Jem, I really do.

Ta!

"One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster..."

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 19:39:21 GMT

Well, I have a new apprecation for the Cold War thanks to Tim Rice and Kytten...

Speaking of that lovely lady Kytten, I've spent the last three days getting to know our new roomate and her husband, Mark, and their son Lexi.

I must say incredible people. Kytten has proven herself to be one of the most generous and genuine people I've ever encountered in my life. The same can be said about Mark. I'm actually looking forward to the transition. I must say I was a bit apprehensive at first. I mean number one, they have a 2 year old son. But he's such an angel! And I had issues about having people that I hardly knew move in. But the past three days have been very wonderful. Kytten has secured both Jem and me jobs at Radio Shack. Speaking of an awesome job, I've never known a place to offer part time employees insurance and benefits. The perks alone are worth working there!!!

Jem and I are planning to attend DragonCon with them next month. I'm certain that the experience will far surpass the horrible time I spent at MobiCon. Not to mention, the celeb list is extensive. I'll get to meet Ellen Muth again, and hopefully Denise Crosby a.k.a. Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation, (The security chick with short blonde hair who was killed by the big puddle of goo towards the end of the first season for those non Trekkers out there.) Recently out of the closet George Takei a.k.a. Captain Hikaru Sulu of the original series, and several others!

I just want things to work out that's all. Jem has been an amazing force in my life the past 9 months. Yes indeed, almost 9 months we've been together. For those of you that know me, that must be a record. We've outlasted all expectations. Of course most of my friends didn't have any expectations. They just told me to enjoy the ride and be happy, which I did of course! It's been one helluva ride and the way I'm seeing it, it hasn't even peaked yet. Just the thought of that not only excites me but it enchants me. To love and be loved, the most wonderful feeling on earth. And to be loved my such a wonderful man, makes it even better!

I suppose this will have to suffice for an update for now.

Ta...

All good things must come to an end...

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 02:43:58 GMT

Well, I figured now was a more than ever appropriate time to write...

I have just gotten in from probably the best weekend of my entire life...and it's funny how it all worked out...

A lot has happened in the last week for sure. My father has pretty much cut all ties with me. My car is dead. And I'm sorta jobless...

Why dad has cut ties? Dunno. The car? Bound to happen. The job? I've been accused of theft. And of course anyone who knows me knows that's not true.

But it's the weekend that I really wanna talk about!

Jem and I spent three days at a beach house on Dauphin Island. We walked on the beach. Swam in the ocean. Made out under the stars. All that good stuff!

And this weekend, I realized that I want to spend the rest of my life with Jem and I plan to!

Even with all the shit going on, we still managed to have a wonderful time and it's something that I will never forget...how so much I do love him...

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 10:41:55 GMT

How I do hate those nights that I can't sleep. I awoke a few hours ago, took a Xanax and still could't fall asleep.

I have so much on my mind. Yes, to those of you who hate to hear it. I'm going to vent my drama. I don't want my folks to divorce. I miss my daddy so much. He's always been there for me and now I don't exist.

I miss BLT so so much. And it saddens me that my last time on that stage will be this Saturday night. How I'll miss all my friends...

A grand return...

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 15:46:15 GMT

Well, I went back to BLT last night for Bravo Rehearsals. I have to say it was a sad night for me because I realized how much I've missed everyone. There were two highlights of the evening. Seeing my Judy of course. That's always grand. I so loved being able to see her. And sittin out front talking with my Drew. God, how I've missed that boy too.

Nothing else to report.

BTW...Lance Bass is gay! Am I like the last person to know this???????????

"Hello...is there anybody out there??? Just nod if you can hear me..."

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 02:59:21 GMT

Sometimes life seems good. Other times it seems bad. But all in the end it works out for the best. I have the best boyfriend in the world. My rock. My true rock to lean against.

Normally when I'm in these moods I bitch and moan, but not to night. I got some Floyd playing. Well technicall it's the live album from Berlin with Van Morrison singing Comfortably Numb with Roger Waters but still it has the same effect.

Jem tells me today that he's considering the Coast Guard. While, I'm against it, I will support whatever decision he makes. He's my boyfriend, my love, my friend, and companion, and whatever decision he makes, I have to support. If I love him, I'll do so.

Work is work.

I miss BLT. I miss it badly. I miss my Judy more than anything. I miss my late night talks with Lara. I miss Joel's jokes and strange sense of humor. I miss Joey's negative attitude. I miss it all. But I'll get to catch up soon. It's been one helluva year for me but it hasn't been all that bad. That fucking storm did more than take away everything I had. It brought so much more to my life. I prayed back in December for God to send me an Angel. And he did. I need not say my Angel's name but I'm sure you, my constant readers know it.

I am somewhat comfortably numb right now. Just mellow and trying to enjoy life. I do know that I've made one decision which I can't say at the moment. But, I know it's the right one.

My god life can be so beautiful while being ugly at the same time.

To be in love...oh how sweet it is...

La di di di da...

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 03:12:29 GMT

My god I couldn't be happier...

How sweet it is to be loved by him...

Lookin forward to the Bravos. Can't wait to get together with many old friends. Can't wait for Jem to meet several of them.

I swear to God, Waffle House is a fucking gang. It has to be. Once you're in, you can never get out. But I see it like this. Until school, it pays the bills. Afterall, I've been working for Waffle House off and on since 1999. I have experience and I do make good money there. And there is a new perk to my employment. Apparently the company wants to move forward into the modern world, in case any of you haven't noticed, we now accept Visa and Mastercard! Although, it's hell trying to ring up a credit card ticket when someone is on the phone. I don't think they've grasped the effectiveness of two phone lines yet. I suppose in another 50 years they will. But they are also publishing a monthly company magazine. I want to say about 15 pages worth of the goings on at stores all over the country, and yours truly has been asked to contribute to this magazine. Yes, the "Editor" contacted me just the other day and wants me to write a short peice for the one year anniversary of Katrina. She wants them to hear my story, not that I have a great one to tell. "Storm came. I stayed. Swam out of my house...blah blah blah..." But she feels that it will add a more down to earth quality to the magazine if they have an hour associate writing for it. I don't know whether to feel honored, flattered...or insulted. Nonetheless I'll do what I can to contribute. After all, I do love seeing my name in print. And it's been too long since I have.

I suppose this is all I have to report for now. Things are going very well. Jem and I have made seven months and the past seven months have been the happiest I've ever had in my entire life. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life. He's my rock. Without him, I don't know what I'd do....

Much love!

Sigh...

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 00:12:09 GMT

I looked in the mirror an hour ago, and was absolutely disgusted by what I saw...