| I know it's been a while... |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|12:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | At home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Enya - Amarantine | ] |
Each and every day
I try so hard
But the more I try
I draw the wrong card
At one point
My life was grand
Now all I want to do
Is bury my head in sand
What more can I do
To make it all seem right
I find myself again and again
Losing this fight
I have so much love
Pouring from my heart
I try to express it
But I don't know where to start
Life at times
Makes no sense at all
I climb and climb
But I always fall
I see now
I'm at the end of my rope
I'm so afraid of losing
Of losing all hope
I know he loves me
I know it, I really do
His love is amazing
So honest and true
With him I feel so safe
And this may be a shock
But he is a great man
He is my rock
But lately now
The road is tough
I almost feel
That I've had enough
I have a home
Even when things are dim
I'll always have a home
As long as I'm with him
I must find a way
To rise out of this pit
I'm so sick and tired
Of feeling like shit
I'm not always right
In fact sometimes I'm wrong
But one thing for sure
I know that I'm strong
I will NOT let this sadness
Get the best of me
I will rise up
And I will break free
With Jem at my side
I can go anywhere
There's so much life to live
And it's with him I want to share
I was once lost in the dark
Until he came along
He inspired me again
Made my heart burst into song
But times are tough
And situations grim
But I know I'll be fine
As long as I'm with Jem
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|
| For those who expected me to fail... |
[May. 17th, 2007|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Pissed off | ] |
How can I ever impress you
To be who you want you to be
You tell me all the time
To just simply be me
I tried doing that
And of course you didn't care
All you really did
Was sit down and glare
So what is it
That you want me to do
I've done all you ask
I've tried through and through
So now I finally give up
I won't try anymore
You opinion means nothing
I don't care that's for sure
So back away from me
And don't give me your advice
I don't want it anymore
My own opinions will suffice
I think what really happened
Was that I changed for the good
And it wasn't the person you wanted
The person you thought I should
And that's what pisses you off
You thought I couldn't be
You thought that I'd fail
Now you see the real me
You asked for it
So here I am
It looks like to me
That it is you who are the sham
So go fuck yourself
And the horse you rode in on
Get out of my face
Go now...begone! |
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| Don't Cry Out... |
[Apr. 16th, 2007|07:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Dining Room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fort Minor - Where'd Ya Go | ] |
I don't get you . .
I can't forget what you've forgotten
all along
I've never been so alone
Don't Cry Out
Cease Fire
I was pretending
Your secret kiss of confidence
Was my escape
The perfect game to play...
Don't Cry Out
Cease Fire
Ten nine eight and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play
Seven six five four and I'm all over you
Counting three two one and I'm having fun...
Your fascination
With naked walls of silk and skin
With no conditions
I needed you to notice....
That’s all I wanted
Don't Cry Out
Cease Fire
Ten nine eight and I'm breaking away
I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play
Seven six five four and I'm all over you
Counting three two one and I'm having fun |
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| Finally a good survey! Stole this from Keith by the way! |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|06:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I'm watching Angel | ] |
LAST SHOW ADDED TO YOUR RESUME:
Ordinary People (2006)
LAST SHOW YOU AUDITIONED FOR:
Ordinary People (2006)
DID YOU GET IT:
Yes
LAST SONG YOU USED AT AN AUDITION:
"Come With Me" from Dance of the Vampires
FAVORITE THEATRE (VENUE):
Biloxi Little Theatre
However I do love New Stage in Jackson, just never been on that stage.
FAVORITE MUSICAL:
Silver Scream
FAVORITE PLAY:
The Curious Savage or The Miss Firecracker Contest (It's a tie)
FAVORITE ROLE YOU'VE PLAYED, AND FROM WHAT SHOW?
Delmount Williams in The Miss Firecracker Contest
FAVORITE ROLE OVERALL THAT I WOULD LOVE TO PLAY:
Renfield in Dracula
SUPERSTITION:
One Hail Mary right before I step onstage, Stackers, and at one time..."Long live the Huffing Stick!"
LAST PART YOU PLAYED IN A SHOW:
Dr. Daniel Berger in Ordinary People
YOUR GOAL IN SHOW BUSINESS:
I have no clue yet.
FAVORITE DIRECTORS:
Judy Madden & Lara Hall
WHAT WAS YOUR VERY FIRST SHOW?:
The Scottish Play
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DANCE SOLO?:
Yes in Grease back in High School
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SINGING SOLO?
Yes
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE LAST PERSON TO TAKE A BOW?
Yes
NAME A SHOW YOU'VE DONE MORE THAN TWO TIMES:
Haven't done it yet
HAVE YOU BEEN TO NEW YORK?
Nope
HAVE YOU BEEN TO LA?:
Yes
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF AN AUDITION?:
Singing or dancing for a musical audition.
WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF AN AUDITION?:
The audition itself!
NAME A SHOW YOU WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN:
The Capricious Pearls
NAME A SHOW YOU COULD DO FOR YEARS:
The Curious Savage, that was the best cast ever!!!
NAME A PERSON YOU'D LIKE TO WORK WITH AGAIN:
Keith or Joey
WHAT ARE YOU AUDITIONING FOR NEXT?
The Battle of Shallowford
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PERFORMING?:
Most of my life, at BLT only four years.
DO YOU CARRY YOUR HEADSHOTS AROUND WITH YOU?
No.
DO YOU KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PAST CAST MEMBERS?:
As much as I can thanks to LJ and MySpace.
ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW IMPORTANT IS GETTING PAID?:
7
WHAT IS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE?:
Delmount Williams in The Miss Firecracker Contest
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR UNEXPECTED THAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHILE ON STAGE?:
During Firecracker, Kelly and I had a scene together and the phone was supposed to ring. Well, whoever was in the booth, and their names escape me (LARA AND JOEY!!!) were talking and forgot to press the button, however, Kelly and I kept the scene going.
WHO IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON (ON STAGE OR OFF) THAT YOU HAVE EVER WORKED WITH?:
I'll take the fifth
EVER BEEN NAKED ON STAGE?:
Nope, been naked backstage though!
WHO OR WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST INSPIRATION OR INFLUENCE?:
Sean Maurer, Judy Madden, Lara Hall, Joey Beaugez, Joel Germany, and Keith Gregory
BEST PROFESSIONAL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN:
The Phantom of the Opera
BEST COLLEGE SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN:
Cabaret at USA
BEST COMMUNITY SHOW(S):
Hedwig and the Angry Inch, The Complete History of America (Abridged), and Moon Over Buffalo
BEST HIGH SCHOOL SHOW(S) YOU'VE SEEN
I haven't really seen any...
ONSTAGE, HAVE YOU EVER...
BEEN KILLED?:
Yep
BEEN DRUNK?:
Nope, well sorta.
PLAYED SOMEONE HALF YOUR AGE?:
No
PLAYED SOMEONE TWICE YOUR AGE?:
Yes! Numerous times!
CRIED?:
Yes
FIRED A GUN?
No
DRIVEN A CAR?:
No
BEEN DRENCHED?:
Does sweat count?
BEEN IN A DREAM SEQUENCE?:
No
BEEN KISSED?:
No |
|
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| Sleechah... |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|03:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | jealous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Madonna - Sorry | ] |
Je suis desolée
Well Thanksgiving has come and gone. First year I spent the holiday without my father. I made me sad of course. I suppose that is how life goes.
Lo siento
Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I know many of you have warned me about thinking. When I start thinking, things begin to happen. Thoughts enter my mind that have never entered there before. All sorts of thoughts really. They're all so different and unique.
Ik ben droevig
Lately my mind has been on love. I've been trying to understand love. What it is. Where it come from. How it is to be truly expressed. I ask myself, "Can love be expressed in words?" or is love expressed in some other way. Does real love even exisit? I mean, you tell someone you love them, and you think you mean it. Someone tells you that they love you and you believe it. But is it real? Can it truly exist between two human beings?
Sono spiacente
Oh Troy, stop thinking these thoughts. You can think them all you want and eventually you'll drive yourself insane. Why ask questions that have no answers. I guess because I think somewhere out there is the answer I'm looking for. But then again, I may never find the answer.
Perdóname
I look at all the relationships I've seen in my life. Jeremy and Brittany, almost five years. Over. Mom and Dad, twenty-three years. Over. Jem and me, nine months. Over. Seems so petty compared to the others doesn't it? Life never really turns out how you want it to. It just goes by being a bitch and you can only ask why.
Mujhe maaf karo
I guess it is my lot in life to ask questions. To sit and wonder. To ask the questions that have no answers. To stare up into the sky at night and wonder which star is which. To try to figure out which star is mine and if it is up there, does it have a mate? Will I ever find that other half. That special someone to complete me. Will I ever be whole again? I guess I won't know that until it happens. I thought that it had happened. I guess I was wrong...
Przepraszam |
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|
| Another day...a new day... |
[Nov. 10th, 2006|02:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Philip Glass - Rubric | ] |
A new day in my life people. I'm feeling so much better after finally calling it quits on what I hoped to be a successful relationship. As a friend said, "It just wasn't meant to be."
I can live with that. Gotta give some thanks to my Judy and my mom for stickin by me through it.
Gonna go see some Hedwig tonight and some old friends! Definately lookin forward to that!
I think I'm now on the road to recovery. Hedwig got me through my last two break ups, and I know it will again. Lookin forward to seeing Phase III, with new cast members. But going into the show with the attitude I always do, I'm going to be satisfied at the end of the night. Lara's vision! Brilliant!
Well, I'm back people, from the dead...no I'm not kidding, literally I'm back from the dead!!!
Ta! Hope to see you at the show! |
|
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| For Jem |
[Nov. 9th, 2006|07:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | enraged | ] |
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for hearing me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for seeing me
Thank you for seeing me
Thank you for seeing me
Thank you for seeing me
And for not leaving me
And for not leaving me
And for not leaving me
And for not leaving me
Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for staying with me
Thank you for staying with me
Thanks for not hurting me
Thanks for not hurting me
Thanks for not hurting me
Thanks for not hurting me
You are gentle with me
You are gentle with me
You are gentle with me
You are gentle with me
Thanks for silence with me
Thanks for silence with me
Thanks for silence with me
Thanks for silence with me
Thank you for holding me
And saying "I could be"
Thank you for saying "Baby"
Thank you for holding me
Thank you for helping me
Thank you for helping me
Thank you for helping me
Thank you, thank you for helping me
Thank you for breaking my heart
Thank you for tearing me apart
Now I've a strong, strong heart
Thank you for breaking my heart |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|10:35 pm] |
I don't know why but I've been on a Johnny Cash kick today. I watched Walk The Line and was in awe at the performances. Then I started downloading Cash songs. Ring of Fire, Hurt, Girl From North Country, all of them.
Dunno why? I'm just a little depressed today. Not crying and sad sad. Just a little down. And right now his music is speaking to me.
"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real"
That song is making the most sense to me. It really reaches deep inside and draws out the darkness. And it's good for the darkness to come out occasionally. I can purge it that way. I don't cry much anymore, but I do get depressed.
Things are getting better though. I have Hedwig to look forward to. Me and Mom are getting along great, so great it's scary. I'm still in touch with Jem and he still tells me he loves me. My mentor Sam has really been there for me. I've been in contact with my old friend Daniel Todd, and we talk daily. Of course I have my Judy, the special lady who I hold dear.
"what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end"
I guess we all deal with our demons in our own way. I guess this is how I'm dealing with mine. I'm becoming closer to my cousins Benji and Jeremy. Jeremy has been going through some things and was recently in an accident. He's ok though. I try not to post too much family business on here. Benji and Jeremy were always like brothers to me. They always looked out for me. I miss them very much.
"I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair"
I've been told by too many people that I'm a strong person. Despite my fragile outward appearance, I am inside a strong human being, and this too shall pass.
I have my goal set. And he knows I will do everything in my power to show him how much I love him. This too shall pass. I will get through this.... |
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| Oh, the man knew his shit... |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Alone, at home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Johnny Cash - EVERYTHING | ] |
Love Is A Burning Thing
And It Makes A Fiery Ring
Bound By Wild Desire
I Fell Into A Ring Of Fire
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire
The Taste Of Love Is Sweet
When Hearts Like Ours Meet
I Fell For You Like A Child
Oh, But The Fire Went Wild
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire
I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire
I Went Down, Down, Down
And The Flames Went Higher
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire
And It Burns, Burns, Burns
The Ring Of Fire
The Ring Of Fire |
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| Two lovers sat on a park bench... |
[Nov. 3rd, 2006|11:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Philip Glass - Glassworks | ] |
Two lovers sat on a park bench
With their bodies touching each other
Holding hands in the moonlight
There was silence between them
So profound was their love for each other
They needed no words to express it
And so they sat in silence on a park bench
With their bodies touching
In the moon light
Finally one spoke spoke
"Do you love me Troy?" he asked
"You know I love you Darling"
"I love you more than time can tell"
"You are the light of my life"
"My sun, moon, and stars"
"You are my everything"
"Without you I have no reason for being"
Again there was silence as they sat on a park bench
Their bodies touching
Holding hands in the moonlight
Once more he spoke
"How much do you love me Troy?"
He answered, "How much do I love you?"
"Count the stars in the sky"
"Measure the waters of the ocean with a teaspoon"
"Number the grains of sand on the shore"
"Impossible you say?" |
|
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| I'm sorry |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|06:09 pm] |
|
In response to my most recent post. I'm sorry. I was having a horrible day. I'm out of my meds and the shit was hitting the fan. I am still pissed though that people underestimate me. |
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| To whom it may concern... |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|10:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Pissed off... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | System of a Down - Toxicity | ] |
I'm going to say this once and only once. I'm not a kid. I'm not as naive as people make me out to be. I'm sick and tired of being patronized. I'm sick and tired of being underestimated. I'm Troy Knowles. I'm a talented actor and singer. I also happen to be a fucking genius. Or at least last time I checked an IQ of 185 meant genius.
I've survived a hurricane, a divorce, diabetes, cancer, a break up that caused me to try to kill myself twice. If people can't handle who I am them fuck them. Because if people can't handle me then I don't need them. This is who I am. Like it or lump it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|07:20 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Dining Room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Clockwork Orange Theme | ] |
I think it's finally time to accept what's going on with me. My official diagnosis is Histrionic Personality Disorder. Look it up and it'll describe me perfectly.
I also know why I've been crying so much the past few days. I'm letting go and I'm moving on. My heart just hasn't been wanting to.
I may be on the road to recovery. 49 days clean. Clean from Drugs and clean from Jem.
I hope I can make it.
Ta.... |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|04:57 am] |
Well folks, Biloxi Little Theatre is finally on MySpace. THe address is www.myspace.com/biloxilittletheatre. If you're not already a member please sign up. MySpace is the new way of connecting with actors just like us! So to those of you that have already signed up thanks a bunch! Tell all your friends and lets get that list up to 100 before the end of the month!
Thanks a bunch,
Troy |
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| The show must go on... |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|01:10 am] |
Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?
Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
Show must go on!
Show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!
Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!
Show must go on!
Show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!
Show must go on! Yeah!
Show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!
I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!
Show must go on.
These lyrics make more sense now than ever before... |
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| Babalu... |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|12:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jorge Moreno - Babalu | ] |
Sorry for not posting as often as I usually did. Just rarely find the time anymore so I'll get started with this one. I'll try to keep it short.
As most of you know, yesterday was indeed my 23rd Birthday. I was a little concerned about how it was going to go. I mean least year, I had a hurricane to deal with but my Judy and the cast of Huck Finn made it enjoyable. So this year, no boyfriend at my side, a mom who is well...trying to be a mom again, and completely separated from my people in Biloxi, I thought, how in the hell is this day going to be enjoyable. THEN, I checked my MySpace email. I was actually surprised at the amount of people who remembered my birthday. And not a single one of you have any idea how much it means to me that you rememered it. And...that you haven't forgotten about me. Even total stranger who I rarely correspond with on MySpace made it a point to send beautiful birthday greetings. I got a lovely song from Judy on my voicemail. My Angel of Music always manages to pull something off. The message from Lara was wonderful. Everyone one of you who posted comments, and have been posting comments since my "accident/ordeal" have not only been inspirational but it has really made me see that there are people out there who care about me. Jem called me to tell me that he missed me, and still loved me and wished me the happiest birthday. God, I don't think I'll ever stop loving that man. But the night went on and Jai, my mother, and myself, went downtown to an amature strip show. We all, including mom, seemed to have a wonderful time! And I have to admit, the four laps dances will great as well. Especially the Sailor and the one called Lover Boy! Someine tipped them off that I was a birthday boy and I couldn't avoid a lapdance from two such hot young men!
I think it's time I come clean with something. As most of you know, I had been off of cocaine since December 4th of last year. I was doing well, but things happened, began to fall in with the wrong crowd, and began to get hooked again on a vicious drug. Not coke this time but crack. And let me tell you, FAR MORE ADDICTIVE!!! STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THAT SHIT! Not only did it cause me to lose a lot of what I had, but it also caused me to have a complete and total nervous breakdown. On September 5th, I attempted suicide by trying to cut my wrists. It didn't work. So after being released from the hospital that day, I came home and ODed on my mom's blood pressure medicine. I don't remember the ambulance picking me up. But one thing I do remember is looking up at a doctor's face and her saying, "We're losing him...we're losing him..." I still see that every night as I close my eyes to go to sleep. The next thing I remember is not really seeing a tunnel of light, or seeing old dead loved once. But I began to feel that I was part of something. I felt connected to something. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear, but I could feel. And it was a completely emotial experience. The feeling was complete and utter bliss. A complete understanding of everything. The past, the present, and even a little bit of the future. Do I believe I had a NDE? Yes I do believe so. According to the doctor's I flatlined twice. Once for 1 minute and 10 seconds. The second time 1 minute and 4 seconds. BP medicine will do that do you they say. After my first reuscitation, I can clearly remember the same doctor, saying, "Troy are you wtih us?" Then it was a total black out again. And then I found myself part of that connection again. I felt connected with everything. Although I couldn't see them, or hear them audibly, I did feel their presense. It was like being part of a collective conconciousness, yet I remained my individality. I could feel familar entities. Certain people who I know knew me. And even one other who I never had the privelege of meeing due to her death before I was born. It was like being completely content. Complete bliss. Complete peace. And of course, the Doctors doing their job, revived me. Twice. Sometimes I think, what I'd give to go back to that place. However, in the past year, I've been through so much. Hurricane Katrina, but who the fuck wasn't affected by that, getting of drugs for the first time, my parent's divorce, all that shit. I should have died during the Hurricane but I didn't. I should have died of a cocaine overdose but I didn't. I should have died during my last suicide attempt, yet I didn't. Each time I was in that place, as much as I wanted to say, I knew I couldn't. There was so much more here on Earth and in life that I needed to do. But I want to thank everyone who has stood by me through this. Every single one of you are so beautiful and mean so much to me! Be assured of one thing though, Jem was not the reason I tried to off myself. I want no one to assume that at all. There was so much more hehind it all that I'd rather not fully discuss here. But I just want to thank each and everyone of you for being there. My wonderful friends and guardian angels that I know are looking over me always...and there's one angel out there right now I want to say simply this too, even though you're not here physically, you remain in my heart. And my love for you will never die... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|02:09 am] |
Well another day has gone by, and again, I'm feeling somewhat alive again.
Jem and I are getting ready for DragonCon with Kytten and Mark. We've been spending a lot of time with them lately and I have to say, Great People!
I really don't have a whole lot to write about except maybe that Jem and I are hitting 9 months soon and I must say it's been a wild ride.
I love my Jem, I really do.
Ta! |
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| "One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster..." |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|04:36 am] |
Well, I have a new apprecation for the Cold War thanks to Tim Rice and Kytten...
Speaking of that lovely lady Kytten, I've spent the last three days getting to know our new roomate and her husband, Mark, and their son Lexi.
I must say incredible people. Kytten has proven herself to be one of the most generous and genuine people I've ever encountered in my life. The same can be said about Mark. I'm actually looking forward to the transition. I must say I was a bit apprehensive at first. I mean number one, they have a 2 year old son. But he's such an angel! And I had issues about having people that I hardly knew move in. But the past three days have been very wonderful. Kytten has secured both Jem and me jobs at Radio Shack. Speaking of an awesome job, I've never known a place to offer part time employees insurance and benefits. The perks alone are worth working there!!!
Jem and I are planning to attend DragonCon with them next month. I'm certain that the experience will far surpass the horrible time I spent at MobiCon. Not to mention, the celeb list is extensive. I'll get to meet Ellen Muth again, and hopefully Denise Crosby a.k.a. Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation, (The security chick with short blonde hair who was killed by the big puddle of goo towards the end of the first season for those non Trekkers out there.) Recently out of the closet George Takei a.k.a. Captain Hikaru Sulu of the original series, and several others!
I just want things to work out that's all. Jem has been an amazing force in my life the past 9 months. Yes indeed, almost 9 months we've been together. For those of you that know me, that must be a record. We've outlasted all expectations. Of course most of my friends didn't have any expectations. They just told me to enjoy the ride and be happy, which I did of course! It's been one helluva ride and the way I'm seeing it, it hasn't even peaked yet. Just the thought of that not only excites me but it enchants me. To love and be loved, the most wonderful feeling on earth. And to be loved my such a wonderful man, makes it even better!
I suppose this will have to suffice for an update for now.
Ta... |
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| All good things must come to an end... |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|09:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
Well, I figured now was a more than ever appropriate time to write...
I have just gotten in from probably the best weekend of my entire life...and it's funny how it all worked out...
A lot has happened in the last week for sure. My father has pretty much cut all ties with me. My car is dead. And I'm sorta jobless...
Why dad has cut ties? Dunno. The car? Bound to happen. The job? I've been accused of theft. And of course anyone who knows me knows that's not true.
But it's the weekend that I really wanna talk about!
Jem and I spent three days at a beach house on Dauphin Island. We walked on the beach. Swam in the ocean. Made out under the stars. All that good stuff!
And this weekend, I realized that I want to spend the rest of my life with Jem and I plan to!
Even with all the shit going on, we still managed to have a wonderful time and it's something that I will never forget...how so much I do love him... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|05:33 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon (Thanks Laci!) | ] |
How I do hate those nights that I can't sleep. I awoke a few hours ago, took a Xanax and still could't fall asleep.
I have so much on my mind. Yes, to those of you who hate to hear it. I'm going to vent my drama. I don't want my folks to divorce. I miss my daddy so much. He's always been there for me and now I don't exist.
I miss BLT so so much. And it saddens me that my last time on that stage will be this Saturday night. How I'll miss all my friends... |
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| A grand return... |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|10:45 am] |
Well, I went back to BLT last night for Bravo Rehearsals. I have to say it was a sad night for me because I realized how much I've missed everyone. There were two highlights of the evening. Seeing my Judy of course. That's always grand. I so loved being able to see her. And sittin out front talking with my Drew. God, how I've missed that boy too.
Nothing else to report.
BTW...Lance Bass is gay! Am I like the last person to know this??????????? |
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| "Hello...is there anybody out there??? Just nod if you can hear me..." |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|09:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Dining Room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Comfortably Numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd & Van Morrison - Comfortably Numb | ] |
Sometimes life seems good. Other times it seems bad. But all in the end it works out for the best. I have the best boyfriend in the world. My rock. My true rock to lean against.
Normally when I'm in these moods I bitch and moan, but not to night. I got some Floyd playing. Well technicall it's the live album from Berlin with Van Morrison singing Comfortably Numb with Roger Waters but still it has the same effect.
Jem tells me today that he's considering the Coast Guard. While, I'm against it, I will support whatever decision he makes. He's my boyfriend, my love, my friend, and companion, and whatever decision he makes, I have to support. If I love him, I'll do so.
Work is work.
I miss BLT. I miss it badly. I miss my Judy more than anything. I miss my late night talks with Lara. I miss Joel's jokes and strange sense of humor. I miss Joey's negative attitude. I miss it all. But I'll get to catch up soon. It's been one helluva year for me but it hasn't been all that bad. That fucking storm did more than take away everything I had. It brought so much more to my life. I prayed back in December for God to send me an Angel. And he did. I need not say my Angel's name but I'm sure you, my constant readers know it.
I am somewhat comfortably numb right now. Just mellow and trying to enjoy life. I do know that I've made one decision which I can't say at the moment. But, I know it's the right one.
My god life can be so beautiful while being ugly at the same time.
To be in love...oh how sweet it is... |
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| La di di di da... |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|10:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In the dining room... | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Happy, happy! Joy, joy! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A song I wrote for Jem, trying to perfect it! | ] |
My god I couldn't be happier...
How sweet it is to be loved by him...
Lookin forward to the Bravos. Can't wait to get together with many old friends. Can't wait for Jem to meet several of them.
I swear to God, Waffle House is a fucking gang. It has to be. Once you're in, you can never get out. But I see it like this. Until school, it pays the bills. Afterall, I've been working for Waffle House off and on since 1999. I have experience and I do make good money there. And there is a new perk to my employment. Apparently the company wants to move forward into the modern world, in case any of you haven't noticed, we now accept Visa and Mastercard! Although, it's hell trying to ring up a credit card ticket when someone is on the phone. I don't think they've grasped the effectiveness of two phone lines yet. I suppose in another 50 years they will. But they are also publishing a monthly company magazine. I want to say about 15 pages worth of the goings on at stores all over the country, and yours truly has been asked to contribute to this magazine. Yes, the "Editor" contacted me just the other day and wants me to write a short peice for the one year anniversary of Katrina. She wants them to hear my story, not that I have a great one to tell. "Storm came. I stayed. Swam out of my house...blah blah blah..." But she feels that it will add a more down to earth quality to the magazine if they have an hour associate writing for it. I don't know whether to feel honored, flattered...or insulted. Nonetheless I'll do what I can to contribute. After all, I do love seeing my name in print. And it's been too long since I have.
I suppose this is all I have to report for now. Things are going very well. Jem and I have made seven months and the past seven months have been the happiest I've ever had in my entire life. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life. He's my rock. Without him, I don't know what I'd do....
Much love! |
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| Sigh... |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|07:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Moby - When It's Cold I'd Like To Die | ] |
I looked in the mirror an hour ago, and was absolutely disgusted by what I saw... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|07:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
Well peeps, I'm a working man again or so it seems...
Hopefully will be pulling between 40 and 50 hours a week and bringing home the money to make the man happy...
Life has taken a few unexpected turns in recent events. It appears to me that some of my dreams are going to have to go on the back burner...only for now. I have something else in my life that is far more important and I plan on keeping him as long as I can.
We're planning a vacation for the fall, either Disney World, or a cruise. Jem wants to go on a cruise, I want Disney world. I think a cruise would be nice though. It'll be a nice get away for us all.
I'm really excited to be getting back to work. Hopefully, the pay will be enough for everyone in the house to stop worrying.
I know sometimes it sounds like I'm not happy but I really am. I'm very happy right now. Jem has made me happier than I ever could have been...I love him so much... |
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| Just some thoughts and wonderings... |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|02:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Elton John - I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues | ] |
Well, still unemployed. Oh well...I'll find something I'm sure.
Mother has moved back in. And I think that things will be going well. She has filed for divorce from my father, who has now become my estranged father. While, I'll always love him, I'm uncertain as if I will find it in my heart to forgive his lies, and infedelity. I will always love him. I have to honestly say, that NOBODY on the face of the earth had a better father than I do. He's an incredible man who has supported me through every thing I've ever been through. My respect for him has waned a little because of the lies and it makes me wonder...could he not trust me with a secret like that? There was no way I would have told Mom. I would have insisted that he tell her himself. The truth is...I miss my daddy.
My relationship with Mother has improved greatly since he left though. She's been much more mellow, and even though I feel it's too soon, has met a very nice gentleman named David. She's gone on two dates with him and so far she's had a wonderful time.
My relationship with Jem...no words can explain it. We're at the point of having disagreements and arguements...and make up sex...ha ha. I guess it's going great. That man has no idea how much I love him.
But lately I feel that things are missing. I miss Judy. I miss seeing her on a regular basis. I miss my late night conversations with Lara. I miss BLT SO SO much.
Yes, what more could you expect from a Drama Queen like me who thinks of nothing but himself? A typical rant.
Thanks for listening...
Ta... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2006|02:12 pm] |
Well here we are once again...
My parents are calling it quits. Dad isn't happy. So...I guess I'm now joining the ranks of the Normal All American Family.
I just found out today that one of my all time favorite film directors is gay. Yes that wonderful genius behind The Usual Suspects, Apt Pupil, and X-Men, Bryan Singer is gay! While, I'm sure I'm probably the last one to find out, I think it's awesome! And he's a Jew. I didn't know that. There was some website that had his Gaydar.net profile on it and sounds like Bryan can be a fun dude to be around.
On another note, X-Men: The Last Stand is gonna rock. I don't care what anyone says. Storm is finally gonna be that African Goddess that she's supposed to be! Bout time they took away some of the spotlight from Wolverine. From what I've read in reviews and a bootleg script this is truly going to be Halle Berry's and Ian McKellan's movie! KICK ASS!
I went to MobiCon this past weekend, had a pretty good time. Jem got plastered on Friday night. I got schnokered on Saturday night. Good times, good times...
Well, Jem and I have the house to ourselves until Friday so who knows what's going to happen...
Ta! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2006|07:09 pm] |
I'm very proud of my father...
I have more respect for that man than any other person on earth... |
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| Help...anyone? |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|01:15 pm] |
Can someone please explain to me how to do a cut. I know lately my posts have been very long and I'd much prefer just to Link it rather than it take up SO much space. SO if anyone has any clue on how to do it, email me some detailed instructions...
Ta... |
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| For those of you... |
[Apr. 20th, 2006|06:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In the Dining Room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Madonna - Sorry (Techno Remix) | ] |
For those of you who are curious as to why I've been making such long and bizarre posts, I am working on a novel/table top/role playing game with my boyfriend Jem. I would post links but I've yet to figure that out. So for those of you who actually take the time to read it, (Some of you I know do, because like me you have no life.)I would like opinions. Yes, I know that it is based on the popular soap opera "Dark Shadows" that ran in the late 60's and early 70's. Jem has always had a unique facination with this show and I have as well. It's amazing stories and characters have inspired so much in today's fiction. So one day many years ago, Jem thought, why not make it a Role Playing Game. That's how it started. And we've been running the game and I've been adapting it into story form. We've added characters but left many of the originals in. We've made the story our own and it's told from several points of view. Any of you who are interested in learning more, can go to the link, www.freewebs.com/nicholasvondar
So enjoy and again, I'm so sorry that the posts are so long...
Ta for now... |
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| Chapter 3 |
[Apr. 20th, 2006|06:23 pm] |
Nicholas walked up the steps of Lockwood Dorm. He knew his way around as he walked passed the aimless and confused first-time students. He knew his assigned room. And he sighed as he hoped he'd have better luck this year with whom ever he had to share his dorm with. Dropping his stuff on the floor he made his way into the bathroom to start a hot bath and soak away his misery on this wintery night. Joel eventually found himself a cab to take him to Xante Academy, and he was glad the driver didn't ask him where it was. He had no idea where it was. He mumbled his thanks to the driver and paid him when he was dropped off, and lugged his bags up the steps. He passed several people in the halls, none of which he gave a fuck about. He found his assigned room, and was partially grateful that no one was assigned to him to find it. That had happened once before at his old school, and the person had been entirely too friendly. And he hadn't been around enough 'freaks' to make him comfortable; he didn't know what the boy who rescued him 'gift' had been, and for all he knew he could have delved in his mind and taken a piece of him with him or some shit like that. But fucking pom-pom... that still pissed him off. Cheerleaders were the main type of group he hated, even if he knew none of them personally. When he finally found his room, his roommate's (or what he guessed was his room mate's) bags already there. Great. He just hoped it happened to be some kid who saw ghosts and didn't talk to anyone but them. He threw his own stuff down beside the bed he claimed for himself, then began peeling out of his muddy clothes, muttering to himself. He wasn't a social kid by nature, but if the towns people were going to be like this... then hell, he might just opt to stay in his room the whole time when not in class. Seated on the side of the bathtub, Nick moved the rushing warmth of the water back and forth. He stood and peeled off his shirt, turning to the mirror which was starting to fog up. He paused long enough to admire himself, vanity wasn't something he was short on. He wasn't aware of his new roommate’s presence on the scene while he marveled at his own beauty. But the without warning he glanced toward the bathroom door as he could feel the undeniable familiarity of rage he thought he had left behind at the train station. " No way could lighting strike twice in one night....Then again stranger things have happened in here." Nick thought to himself. An odd smile flushed over Nick's face as he slowly approached the door. He felt it would be best to welcome this stranger by surprise, and what better way than by provoking this newcomer. So as carefully as he could Nick pushed open the bathroom door trying not to be noticed. He spied as Joel as the boy removed his damp clothes. He pulled off his shirt - black and tight-fitting - exposing his pale skin and the scars, some old, some new, that spidered along the inside of his forearms and upper arms. He was skinny; his ribs were dark shadows against his skin, his hipbones in sharp relief about the line of his pants, and the chain-links of his spine easily counted when he turned his back on the door and bent over. Now would be the perfect time thought Nick and so he broke the silence to say. " I wouldn't unpack your pom-poms just yet sweetheart" And with as much delight and dismay he contained, Nicholas crossed his thick arms over the other and leaned on the doorway. Nearly undressed the boy was indeed a sight to be seen by most anyone. His body was sculpted by years of athletics and endurance. His skin a healthy copper hue and his smile appeared devilish in nature. " That's not to say your not welcome" said Nicholas as he played on the words he had used right after their first meeting. " This is going to be a long semester indeed. " Hearing Nick's voice, Joel whipped around and nearly tripped over his bags before he caught himself. Realizing he was half-naked, and that he had unzipped his jeans and loosened the belt, he snatched up his shirt and glared at him. "You have to be fucking kidding me. You’re my room mate? Goddammit!” Realizing he was still half-naked, he yanked on his shirt and jerked the zipper of his pants up. "I should ask for a fucking transfer. Or get the hell away from this school." He thought. Joel glared at Nick -- and had great difficulty not letting his eyes wander. The boy had a beautiful body, he had to admit... a great contrast to his own pale, skinny one. "Are you gonna fucking stand and stare at me all day?" Joel said. "Don't use up all the hot water either. Laughter erupted out of Nicholas like a volcano. His lower limbs set into motion, walking him half cocked into the dorm room as his arms uncoiled, his right hand gripping at his untarnished abs and navel, as if to help ease the laughing. His back peeled away from the door frame as his entire body leveled out. This was rich felt Nick as he blushed a bright shade of red. He really felt amused by the coincidence of the unlikely pair becoming a duo in this manner. Not being shy and use to undressing in front of others, Nick stood a foot on a leg of his sweat pants, shedding the garment like it was nothing, the act itself pulling his boxer's down slightly past the v-like definition of his hips and with one swift kick of his foot he flung the discarded pants into the air before him. His hand swings outward and snatches them from mid air as he turns playfully tossing them into the air where they land at Joel's feet. Reaching down Nicholas pulled the waistband of his boxers up to keep from reviling to much of himself. Still proud of the smirk he wore, Nick turned his back to Joel and he bent over, digging into an apparent gym bag in order to retrieve a towel. He seemed to be paying little attention to Joel, but it was only an act, from his vantage point at the gym bag, Nick spied yet another look at Joel. He tried to suppress the secret arousal he felt deep within, and using the towel to cover his fly, he stood back up, turning towards Joel with only a sly wink before the athlete sauntered back into the bathroom, playfully slamming the door behind himself. Once inside the seclusion of the bathroom he stripped fully and slipped into the tub. He also failed to lock the door. Or had he left it unlocked on purpose. Joel's cheeks flamed when Nick erupted into laughter. You would think that Joel would have gotten used to being laughed at by now, and he was, to an extent, but it didn't make it easier. It was his luck that he'd get stuck with an asshole like this. "Fuck you, man," he muttered, folding his arms over his chest tightly, every line of his body defensive and tight, as if he was just waiting for Nick to swing at them. He took a step back from the pants that landed at his feet, as if they hid something dangerous and might attack him. Against himself, his eyes did wander, managing to stop above the V of his hipbones and snap back to his face. Thank god Nick wasn't paying much attention to him, and wouldn't (he hoped) notice the swell in his jeans. Only once the door was slammed did Joel cautiously drop his jeans, then pull on a pair of pajama pants and yank back the covers of his bed. He sat on the edge for a moment, staring at the strip of light underneath the bottom of the door, and shouted again. "Don't use up the hot water!" before he took up his headphones from his backpack, slid under the covers, slapped his music on, and drowned out everything in the blare of guitars and screaming vocals. Nicholas sat within the warm confines of the bath, reflecting on his evening with grand amassment. He sank lower into the water, covering himself chin deep. He thought the arousal he felt was his own, little did he realize it was a shared reaction with his displeased room mate. His thoughts hardened as did he physical embodiment. He sat up and glance down at himself, embarrassed and humored by it all. But he broke himself out of the dreamy trance and went about the usual washing and scrubbing which bathing entailed. He wasn't one to linger long in the tub and so moment later he finished up, pulled the stopper free and climbed out of the tub. He toweled off, wrapped it around his waist and proceeded to walk back into the room. Once there he glance over to Joel in hopes of clearing the air but noticed he was wrapped up in his music. So with a roll of his oceanic eyes he ebbed himself over to the bag containing his clothing where he produced a pile upon his bed. Sifting about the lose mess he fished out a another pair of boxers. He glanced once again at Joel, trying to determine why this boy had such an icy demeanor which he so brazenly displayed. The look on Nick's face was one of utter confusion. And so with little thought or care he turned his back to Joel and allowed his towel to drop to the floor. His backside glistened wet as he stepped into his shorts. His body was lean and toned and his butt bubbled like some sort of over chewed bubble gum. After pulling up the boxers he turned his attentions to his pile of clothing which he began to put away. Radu managed to hail a cab to take him to Xante. He sat in the back and waited for the school to come into sight. He looked through some of his things. He found letters that he and written, and their responses. His most recent response was a letter that was waiting for him at the train station. "Welcome to Collinsport and Xante" was all it said. It was signed: Emily Ryerson-Matthews, Dean of Students Radu knew her to be the dean of the school. He had figured as much. He grabbed his bags, still thinking of that beautiful boy from his dreams. He knew that he'd seen him before. He knew that he'd seen him as he departed the train. But who was he? He didn't know. Radu would have to find out more about this Nicolas. He looked just like the boy in his dreams. However, he felt that would have to wait. The cab finally came to a stop. “Xante, be $13.45 kid.” The cabbie said. Radu paid him and stepped out He managed to find his way through the school easily. He made it through all the proper registration without any problems. As he was walking to his assigned dorm, he bumped into a very beautiful woman. She was of average height and had perfectly styled red hair. "Excuse me!" Radu said in his thick Carpathian accent. "You must be Mr. Lacramiosa." The woman said. "Yes, how did you know." "I know everyone that comes here. My name is Dr. Julia Hoffman. Welcome to Xante and Collinsport." The woman walked away and Radu continued on his way to his dorm. In the halls he passed a few students. He didn't see his dream boy but he did pass a very familiar young man who looked like something from a Marilyn Manson concert. He had black mess hairy and a ring in his lip. The boy looked like he was angry at the world. It was the boy from the train station. The one called Joel. He was angry at the world. Very angry. He scars ran deeper than his skin could show. He was angry at everyone. He had every reason to be though. "Stop it!" Radu thought to himself. "You're here to figure out why you have this ability. Not to use it. You're here to find a cure. You had this illness and you want it cured." "Do you?" Another voice said inside his head. "Of course I do. You don't know what it's like to touch someone and know everything about them. To walk past a graveyard and hear the voices of the dead. You don't know what it's like to be different." Radu told the voice. "But you didn't really answer my question. Do you really want to be rid of this gift?" the other voice had said. Gift or Curse, Radu knew he had something. At a young age he knew that he was different. He saw things before they happened. He remember walking along a street when he was on a vacation in Prague. He passed a young woman and just brushed her hand. Instantly thoughts and visions flashed through his mind. He knew that she was a prostitute who hated her job. He knew that she would eventually slice her own wrists after shooting her pimp. He hated the visions like that. But they weren't all bad. The vision of the beautiful boy was always his favorite. There were even times that the visions were somewhat erotic. He'd woke many a times to find a wet spot in the front of his pants. Did this other boy know about him? Unlikely. He wasn't what the old ones called a Dreamweaver. Dreamweavers had the ability to enter ones thoughts as they slept. They could manipulate them to do their will. They were the last remaining descendants of the Nosferatu. Their race had died out centuries ago. But still in his home town of Bran, people didn't leave their house after dark. They were careful to invite strangers into their homes. The small of garlic reeked in every house. And nobody was without a crucifix around their neck. Radu had given up on stupid superstitions a long time ago. He knew there were no such things as Nosferatu or Dreamweavers in this world. However, he had his doubts. There were times when was walking home after dark, that he felt something watching him. That he felt as if he were being followed. And when he turned around, he could almost swear he caught a glimpse of a pale ghostly face and then it disappeared. The woman with the red hair knew of his gift. He could see it in her eyes and as he touched her. She knew a lot. She knew much more than just a professor should know. There was almost something supernatural about her. He just couldn't figure it out. Radu finally approached his room and opened the door. "Mulţumesc Dumnezeu", he exclaimed. He'd arrived first. Meaning he'd get to choose the bed. Which side of the room he wanted. He opened his suitcase and placed the photo of his mother on the nightstand. She was a beautiful woman. He long hair was as black as night. She had a dark complexion which made her eyes seem so bright. Radu looked over in a mirror. He looked nothing like her. She always said that he resembled his father. A father he never knew. He shut the door and started to undress. He stared in the mirror at his pale body. His hair was slightly long but not messy like the pissed off boy he'd seen before. Aside from the hair on his head and face, that seemed to be the only hair on his body, with the exception of a few "certain" other places. He wasn't exactly thin but he wasn't exactly thick. Working hard in Romania had given him a toned appearance. His skin was flawless. Almost white. It resembled aged marble and was very smooth. His eyes were the greenest shade of green that he'd ever seen. They were bright. And full of life but full of sadness. The only feature about himself that he hated was his nose. He always felt that it was too long. Long and narrow. Definitely one of his father’s traits for sure. The trip had exhausted him. He let his black bobtail cat, Claudia out of her cage for a few moments. She arched her back, like most cats do in new places. Then she climbed onto the bed and curled up and went to sleep. "I'll unpack later." he thought. He moved his belongings to what he now claimed his side of the room. He took one last look at the photo of his mother. "How I do miss you mamă." he said aloud. Four months she'd been dead now. And he did miss her. He sat on the side of his bed and did manage to go through a few of his things. He opened up his violin case. It was supposedly hand made by his father and was meant to be a gift for him. He even had his initials engraved in the back. He didn’t know why his father left it for him. Who was to teach him to play? Eventually he taught himself. He was like a second nature. He picked it up one day and played Viola d'amore or Kerman. He’d only heard the song once at Drãgaica festival. After that he went home, picked up the violin and started playing. He could play anything after that, from a Tarantella to a Nocturne He plucked the C string. The turbulence had knocked it out of tune. He carefully turned the peg and plucked the string again. It was now tuned. He removed the bow from the case rosined it. He started to play Por Una Cabeza, one of his favorite tunes. He became frustrated when he went flat in the ninth measure. He replaced his violin and laid back on the bed. He drifted slowly into a deep sleep, wondering where this Nicolas was and what he was doing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|09:27 am] |
Every single day I continue to fall in love with Jem. I love for all of his strengths and even his weaknesses, what few he has.
I don't understand where this love comes from but I know that he is the one for me.
If so, then why am I so sad? Why do I feel like crying right now. I refuse to shed tears becuase I've done no wrong. I'm still the same I've always been. My love for him is ever stronger, so why am I letting something so trival stand in the way... |
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| Chapter Two... |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|04:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | At home...with Jem | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Constance Demby - Novus Magnificat | ] |
The night air stung at Nick's slender lips and he could taste the cold bitter winter as he stepped off the train. He took in a deep breath, chilling his nostrils, he knew this place well. He was back yet again in Collinsport, back for his third year of school of Xante. He rolled his eyes in a sarcastic manner, mocking his feigned exuberance for being here once again. Truthfully he hated this place, but he realized the importance of what the school offered him. Stepping away from the platform he pulled his coast around himself tighter. He so disliked the cold. Steamy breath escaped his lips as he rubbed his hands together. He looked around, noticing a few local boys hanging out with skateboards and disingenuous looks. He found it a little alarming that everyone else here was boarding the train and no one was getting off. Was he alone in his travels here? So far that seemed to be the case. Without further hesitation he walked down the platform to recover his luggage. Walking past the gawking skate boarding bunch. He paid them little attention and they paid him little respect as they whispered under the their chilled tongues. No don't they were looking for trouble. Still it didn't phase Nick in the least. He looked around and felt that it was in a way, good to be home.
Joel White sure as hell didn't want to be here. He had been perfectly fine at home... with the exception that he could not always control his powers and sometimes entered other people's dreams on accident, and his father thought he was a freak. But he felt the latter was natural. No one understood him, and how was this school going to be any different? Sure, it was filled with freaks, but freaks like him... they tended not to like people. He slid his fingers through his black hair as he stepped off the train, pulling his headphones down around his neck and staring at the train stop dispassionately. He wanted to just get back on the train and go home. But animosity and hard fists waited for him there. Maybe... just maybe, it was different here. He stepped aside for a lady to board the train, and shouldered the bag that held his entertainment for the long trip. He wasn't paying attention to anyone he walked by; he kept his hazel eyes straight ahead, chewing on his lip piercing. He felt a hand close around his backpack strap and jerk it halfway off his shoulder; the other caught his elbow and pulled him around, coming face-to-face with the skater group that muttered and glared at the ones disembarking the train.
As Radu departed the train, he felt the cold air of this wintery town. It wasn’t nearly as cold as a Romanian winter but it was still chilly. The last thing Radu wanted to see though, was a fight. And a fight was what it looked like he was about to see. He saw that a boy was being taunted by some locals. He had a black mess of hair. Radu couldn’t really see his face. He heard one of the locals say in such Harbor Accent.
"Goin to Xante, freak?" one of them challenged, attempting to wrest the bag from him, and Joel yanked it back towards him.
"Fuck off," he bristled. "And let the fuck go of my bag, dick."
That wasn't something his antagonist liked. Before Joel could react a fist lashed out from his antagonist's group and socked him in the cheek, nearly knocking him off his feet. Joel tended to wear semi-tight clothing, and it showed he was a small boy, both in width and height. He definitely couldn't stand against this group.
The breath was knocked out of Joel when he was knocked to the ground, but luckily his bag was flung aside and he didn't land on it. He did land, however, land in a puddle, though it didn't do anything to cushion his fall. He skinned his elbow on something and, with his chest aching, watching dumbly as the boy who had punched him reared back as if to kick him, and he tensed up in preparation for the blow. That didn't come. He got himself together and saw another boy, much better best then any of them, taunting his attackers.
Radu sat back and watched. He couldn’t believe this. Three on one? That was not fair at all. Radu dropped his bags and was getting ready to make his move when he saw the beautiful boy he’d seen earlier, moving forward.
Nicholas felt a lashing of animosity growing in the minds around him, he keened his attentions back to the group he passed mildly just moments ago only to notice the bunch assaulting a darkly dressed figure. He turned himself around, taking a step forward, noticing whom it was who was taking a lashing. It hardly seemed like a fair fight, one young boy against a group of three.
"We'll see about that." Nick whispered to himself. And without being noticed by the others he quickly approached the bunch. He looked to see Joel falling to the ground. Seeing Joel laying there gave Nicholas a pause for reasons he didn't know. Yet the moment passes quickly when Nick the alpha of the bad-boy bunch rearing back to kick the poor kid on the ground. It was then he took action as he reached out snatching a hand full of hair on the lead boy, jerking the ass hole backward and slamming the punk into the pavement with a resounding thud.
"You bitches in this town really need a mall to hang out at. Leave him alone Willie or I‘ll tell your aunt." Nick said, in his most toying voice.
The other two assaulters, Kiefer Mitchell and Trey St. George, quickly turned their attentions on Nick in order to size him up. Nicholas gave them both a taunting look and smile as he dearly hoped it would provoke them into rushing him. They quickly shoved past him and picked up their lead comrade from the ground and the trio quickly bustled away from both Nick and Joel. Nick trained his eyes on the bunch as the left the platform. He was surly satisfied with himself, but his self-important victory was interrupted by the blast of the trains engines powering up. He turned back toward Joel. Reaching out his hand, offering to help the victimized youth from the pavement. With a smile he said to Joel.
"Welcome to Collinsport..... you're going to love it here..." His voice saturated with petty sarcasm for the words his spoke, yet his smile suggested warmth, something this night seemed to lack for all accounts. " I'm Nicholas." The green-gray color of his eyes examined Joel from head to toe, trying to see if he were injured." Are you all right? " His sincerity rang true as he presented it with charm. The boy was breathing hard.
Joel sucked in a breath through his aching lungs, and when he looked again, his assailants had scattered and the boy who had rescued him - he hated that word, 'rescued'; made him think that he was too weak to defend himself. He winced as the train's departing wail pierced the silence, before he found a hand in front of his face. He followed it to the face, and felt a jolt when he recognized it as the face from his dream. But then he hardened, pushed the friendly hand away and picked himself up.
"I didn't need your help," he snapped, swatted hair out of his eyes and shrugging his muddy hoodie off of his back, "So you know what? Fuck off. I I could have handled them on my own."
He retrieved his bag from the ground and slung it over his shoulder, wincing as it bumped against a tender spot on the small of his back, but he steeled himself and continued on to collect his baggage. Fucking friendly greeting so far, wasn't it?
Nicholas paused for a moment as he watched the defiant one pissing away any gratuities and a simple Fuck off. Though for a moment Nicholas felt as if the boy somehow had a rage of familiarity which coursed through him. Nicholas was tempted to return the pleasantries with a few colorful metaphors of his own but he decided that wouldn't be the most prudent choice at this juncture. He understood the situation called for more tactful behavior so he switched his gears as he said to the boy collecting himself
" Hey,.... Look.. I can tell you're someone who could handle something like that.." Nicholas wasn't blowing smoke up Joel's ass by saying that, he really meant it. " I'm no stranger to this hellhole, and it just pisses me off when folks round here think they can just mess with anyone"
"Good for you," Joel snapped. "Congrats on being a veteran of this shitsplat town."
Still Nicholas couldn't help but to let a little crass commit slip. "So your welcome .... ummm... I didn't catch your name.. I'm Nicholas.."
He hoped his introduction would be catch on the second time around. But incase it wasn't received he was ready to back off and go collect his own luggage. The cold was starting to set in and he wasn't one for such. He watched as Joel gathered his belongings, curiously wondering where he'd seen this guy before. Something struck him oddly and he felt as if the other was trying to put him off inquiring any more than he had. So he lingered once again, trying to gauge this other guy for more. He couldn't help himself, deep down he felt an attraction towards this boy. One he wouldn't or couldn't reason.
'Thank you', wasn't in Joel’s vocabulary, at least to strangers playing nice. He didn't trust anyone unless he knew them - and he didn't trust strangers, which made it hard for him to make friends. Which was why he hadn't left much behind coming to Collinsport. If he had gotten a taste of his own medicine, this little boy would have exploded in an anger twice as big as him. Joel glared at the other boy when he kept on talking, but he didn't flip him off; he himself just kept on walking, not slowing down to pay much attention to him.
When he accepted his non-existent apology, however, Joel did stop and turn on him.
"I never said thank you. You think you're high and mighty just cause you saved me, right? Well, look. I didn't need your help, like I said, and I'm not going to need your help. I can take care of myself. Okay? Go and fuck some cheerleader."
With that, Joel turned his back on him, found his bags and snatched them up, then walked away. Were all the people at Xante like that; the good Samaritan and expecting them to be grateful? He just hoped this school was big enough that he could disappear in the students like he did at his old place.
Nick’s brow crinkled as he leveled his steely sea-green eyes on Joel. He was equally angered and impressed with the boy's blunt candor. Never one to back down from a challenge, Nicholas took Joel's ire as a provocation to continue. His nostrils flared as much as his temper and he felt it necessary to have a finial word. Be it for the fact he enjoyed drama as much as he liked a good argument. So as Joel disappeared into the night Nick dared to quip his lips with his own retort.
" Yeah well, after you unpack your pom-poms you can go fuck yourself for all I care.... aw fuck this.."
Nicholas turned to collect his own belongings. His mind was full of temptations as he fought off the urges, suppressing them in one deep breath. Oh yeah, it was good to be back. After he collected his thing he made his way to the front of the station. He found an awaiting cab. He yanked the door open and slung his belongings into the warmth of the back seat. He crawled in and slammed the door behind himself. He was ready for the night to end. Tomorrow would bring with it it's own set of troubles, which Nicholas truly didn't want to concern himself with it at the time.
"Can you take me to Xante... And hurry!" And just like that, the cab sped off into the night, taking Nick where he wished.
Radu was impressed. This guy, Nicholas was an honorable young man. And not to mention absolutely beautiful. He’d helped a total stranger. Radu felt somewhat at ease now that he’d seen this. Perhaps it wasn’t going to be such a bad year after all… |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|03:56 am] |
I wonder sometimes...
Well yesterday has been by far the most exciting day of my life. Not only was working going well...it was an adventure! Forgive me in advance, for what spelling errors I'll be making, I'm still somewhat stoned from the medicines that were given. Apparently myself and twelve other people are allergic to Prescriptives Cosmetics. All thirteen of us ended up in the hosptial with breathing, problems, hives, rash, and severe itching. Thank God, we're all ok.
Aside from that little adventure, I've been on several of my own lately. Jem of course being the amazing human being that he is, is one of those adventures. I can't help but realize everyday I'm with him.
Dammit, what did I do to deserve such happienss. Well the drugs are kicking in...
Ta! |
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| "I saw your face, in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do..." |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|03:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | James Blunt - You're Beautiful | ] |
The things you do for the ones you love...
Is it possible to love someone so much that you'd absolutely anything for them? I believe that is possible. And I've come more to terms with that fact tonight, more than ever...
Times change. Days go by. Each day we grow older and question many meanings. The meaning of life? The meaning of love?
I grow each day as well. I learn so much more each day. Of course one can only assume that it is a part of human nature. But is it? Do we rally grow? Do we really change? Or are we all connected somehow and part of each other? If that's true, then how can we grow? How can we change? I challenge that statement. There must be some singularity (Spelling?) to us all. How on earth can we each be unique if we're all connected?
Why do I put such complex thoughts and theories in my head? Questions that have no real answers. I suppose that's the Libra. Always asking questions to which I already know the answer. Or always asking questions that have no direct answer.
I do know one thing. Life is so beautiful right now. For me anyway. I know that so many people have had loss. They've faced great trials. Well, I've faced the trials in my life. I looked them right in the eye and told them to fuck off! I am who I am now. I'm happy with what I've become. I don't think that I could aspire to be anymore than what I am. I don't think that nothing could make me happier. I've realized what I have to have in life. What I need...I need my friends. I need my family. And I need Jem.
I love Jem, I am in love with Jem. I saw his face in a crowded place. I didn't know what to do. I felt I'd never be with him. He's so beautiful...and I don't know what to do...
Life is good. Life is beautiful.
I love you all...
Ta... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2006|01:10 pm] |
| Your Superhero Profile | 
Your Superhero Name is The Bionic Bee
Your Superpower is Invisibility
Your Weakness is Blood
Your Weapon is Your Kinetic Foam
Your Mode of Transportation is Cow |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|10:57 am] |
Well, it's been a while since I've posted so here's the latest:
Not too much has been happening.
Had a great time being out with my Jem on Friday.
Global Warming has begun.
Having some awesome times playing D&D.
Lancome is treating me like gold.
I'm still and always will be loving my boyfriend!
Ta~ |
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psycho_libra's journal
